Looking Around

In the movie "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers" there is an eye-catching dance number at a barn raising. The barn raising in the movie commemorates several traditions among the pioneer legends of the American plains. The choreography at the beginning of the scene involves a series of courtship maneuvers acted out in dance, with four young ladies in color-coded dresses, four young men (from among the titular seven brothers, having been cleaned up for the occasion) and four rather foppish suitors from among the more proper townsmen. The dance scene follows the cat and mouse game of tag between the women and each set of men, as well as the ensuing competition between the men.

It's a colorful and engaging presentation of courtship procedures as we like to idealize them in those bygone times. How much different things are today. Dance is still a likely allegory for the way we meet and through as series of interactions decide whether our opposite number is one we will accept or not. Dance has changed much since the days of the barn raising and sometimes our courtship looks less like the polite partnering of square dancing and its elder cousin the ballroom but more like the expressive and impromptu-seeming motions of modern dance. The underlying structure of our exchanges seem individualistic in nature compared to the vision of the old times. The end state of our glances and snippets of conversation is never apparent, even when fully revealed by the final pose and the dying of the music.

Still, we dance. Still, we court.

On various dating sites, I look at the pictures of women whom the site declares match my criteria - age, ethnicity, interests, income, etc. I decide something based on the picture. I read the information they write to introduce themselves, the state of their lives and the qualities they hope to find in a partner. I decide more based on what I read. Often without their knowledge I decide if I will like this person or not without communicating with her. Millions of women and men are doing the same to each other by the same means. We eliminate the unworthy and collect the worthy.

Vanity plays some part in this. I see a beautiful face and believe I deserve to see that face every morning. I read of someone who wants the man of her dreams and believe I must be the man of whom she dreams. Insecurity plays a part as well. I see a beautiful face and believe I could never be that lucky to see her face every morning. I read of someone who wants the man of her dreams and know that I would be a dream washed away in the shower the next morning.

It can't replace meeting people. This online dance we follow is the most modern of modern dances, a dance of individuals amid throngs of other dancers, each seeking movements that fall together in whatever rhythm we follow, all without seeing each other, all without meeting. It's a sorry dance.